1. Meredith was on her way to the clinic to get her pet goat Turner a sex change operation when a car ran over her foot. “Aaaaah! Aaaaah!” Meredith screamed. “Baaaaa! Baaaaaa!” Turner screamed. So an ambulance came and took them away to the human hospital instead. 2. At the human hospital, Meredith was so upset that Dr. Wendy had to bitchslap her ass back into cognizance. “Thanks,” said Meredith, “I really needed that.” “So many of us do,” replied Dr. Wendy. Dr. Wendy wound up giving Meredith more than just a bitchslap on that fateful day. She also gave her a brand new foot. 3. Meredith and Turner sat waiting for the bus that would take them home. Due to the morning’s tumult, Turner had changed his mind about the sex change. He wanted to eat blueberry waffles instead. 4. Meredith’s new best friend is named Suzy Semantical. These two girls have so much fun together, and now they are going to the salon. Suzy Semantical laughs at the funny jokes her new best friend tells her while the nail technician applies little baby stars to her fingernails. Seeing them, Meredith feels so delicate and vulnerable that she begins to cry. 5. “Why were you crying in there?” asks Suzy when they’re back out on the mean streets. “It’s nothing,” declares Meredith. “I had a hangnail. It’s gone now.” This made sense to Suzy. Suzy wasn’t one to judge. She wasn’t one to pry, either. She wasn’t one to do very much. She oftentimes prayed. 6. Meredith doesn’t want her goat to have hair anymore. She wants Turner to be completely bald – just like her pussy. A goat’s pussy is called a nanny. Turner decided to dye his hair green. 7. Dr. Wendy and Suzy Semantical started dating. Their favorite thing to do was to go to the most expensive restaurant in town, order a single dish of figs, and share it. The waiters weren’t allowed to say anything. They’d just have to sit there and watch the happy young couple eat those figs for hours and hours and hours. 8. Unlike most goats of his age, breed, and stature, Turner had faith in the future. Goatdom had done well by him, and he had managed to change a lot of minds with it. Once, at a costume party, he had shown up disguised as a lamb. The other goats, most of whom had elected to go as superheroes and disgraced former politicians, laughed and laughed. They appreciated Turner’s keen sense of irony. Even when he didn’t seem to know where he was going, he went there anyway. And no one once ever had to call a locksmith. 9. A crow flew into the cemetery where Turner’s mother was buried. The crow landed on the ground next to his mother’s grave and sucked a worm right out of it. The crow flew off into a cloud, and Turner was never even made aware of it. 10. Meredith has so much autonomy, it’s crazy. She doesn’t even care when the policeman blows his whistle at her. If she’s not careful, she will wind up losing her other foot. And Dr. Wendy can only do so much. 11. Dr. Wendy’s new girlfriend is named Suzy Sunrise. Her last girlfriend was Suzy Semantical. After she broke up with her, Suzy went running to her best friend Meredith to tell her the story. Meredith listened intently without asking any questions. When it was her turn to speak, she merely asserted what Suzy already knew: that Dr. Wendy’s squirrel allergy would have made co-habitation impossible anyway. 12. Suzy Sunrise was at home reading a dictionary of Hungarian colloquial expressions. She was a child psychiatrist with a bleak future and no goat to call her own. 13. Goats gruff. Throats puff. Floats fluff. Moats huff. Boats bluff. 14. Meredith and Suzy Semantical were best friends. One day, they decided to have sex. Turner stood in the doorway watching them. Meredith lifted her face up from Suzy’s muff and asked Turner to go away. Turner ignored her. He knew the true meaning of love lay somewhere else. 15. The man with the high-pitched voice sang a sad song. His name wasn’t Neil Young. Meredith and Suzy held hands and cried. They didn’t want to go somewhere. They were already moving. 16. Turner came to visit Meredith in prison. “If only you hadn’t felt so free,” Turner said. “I mean, I could have helped you.” “There was nothing,” said Meredith. “And even if there had been, I doubt you could have sniffed it out.” Turner’s septum had been damaged in a nose-piercing accident. That was mean. 17. Dr. Wendy felt alienated from the bisexual community. All her friends were social scientists. Suzy Sunrise’s pet cat is named Belinda. 18. Meredith had adopted Turner from a rescue shelter for goats addicted to heroin. He had lost his wife in a jet ski accident and didn’t want to live this life no more. This type of goat rarely makes it into heaven. Meredith was persuaded to change all of that. She was going to turn Turner into a masterpiece. 19. Turner was a masterpiece in search of new ambitions. By getting a sex change, he would essentially become his dead wife. The wife who’d gotten her ass eaten up by a shark after she fell off the jet ski. Reality is ours for the taking. 20. That was the year so many people went to heaven, it was like insane. Among them Dr. Wendy’s mother, who had been a window washer before she’d had Dr. Wendy. Even though she was a doctor, Wendy couldn’t save her. Some have gone so far as to speculate that if she hadn’t been a doctor, she probably would have been able to save her. 21. Rock ‘n roll will never die. Dr. Wendy firmly believed this. It might, however, while remaining alive, begin to rot or otherwise become afflicted with some sort of advanced decay, particularly if it was infected with gangrene or a similarly noxious communicable disease. Dr. Wendy was of a scientific temperament. 22. The two Suzys hadn’t yet met, and it was improbable they ever would. They didn’t even live in the same town or enjoy the use of the same pronoun. The only thing they had in common was the first name Suzy and the occasional usage of Dr. Wendy’s vagina for non-procreative purposes. Autumn had come early that year. 23. The sky had a pale vagina look to it and everyone was outside. Turner wanted to eat some ice cream. Meredith was very, very permissive. 24. Turner was mad at the government and so he lit a building on fire. Nobody perished in the blaze. Nobody survived, either. They’re all just there, waiting for the next tragedy to overtake them. 25. Meredith stopped talking to her best friend around the time she started dating Marge. Marge was very possessive and only allowed Meredith to feed Turner twice a day. The sad thing was she managed to keep all this from Turner, and Turner liked Marge without being aware that Marge hated him. One day Marge got drunk and forgot to come home. Suddenly Meredith remembered her autonomy. Now it’s like Marge was never there to begin with – so locked away in the basement has she become. 26. After getting a sex change, Turner joined a lesbian separatist organization. These lesbian goats didn’t see any sense in allowing their nannies to commingle with those dangling billies. They’ve discovered their own sense of freedom and found an abandoned field with plenty of grass and buttons to chew on. 27. Suzy Semantical was sad. Her best friend Meredith had forgotten to be there for her. She got a knife and decided to go find Meredith. She’s gonna teach her a lesson called the true meaning of friendship. 28. Meredith panicked. She couldn’t find Turner anywhere. She went to the animal clinic. They couldn’t tell her anything. Though they had just given Turner a sex change operation that morning, they weren’t allowed to convey this information owing to doctor-patient confidentiality laws. Sorry, Meredith. You’ll just have to go on a journey to uncover your goat on your own. 29. Turner was happy as a transgender member of the lesbian goat collective. One day she ran out of hormones, so she went back to the animal clinic. Unfortunately the clinic had also run out of hormones. So Turner decided to go and see Dr. Wendy. 30. “Come on in, Turner,” said Dr. Wendy. “Long time no see. How’s Meredith doing – and her fake foot in particular?” “Oh she’s still alive,” Turner lied. “But I’m actually here to get some hormones.” “We only have the human kind,” replied the doctor glumly. That was the day Turner decided to leave the commune and move in with Dr. Wendy. 31. Turner’s green hair was turning gray. She decided it was time to dye it once again. At the salon, she ran into Suzy Semantical, who was getting her nails done. “You can’t be serious,” Suzy exclaimed. “I mean we haven’t seen each other in what-how-long. And that bitch owner of yours; did you know she doesn’t even talk to me anymore?” “Suzy, I don’t have time for your drama today,” Turner replied. “And just FYI, Meredith no longer owns me. I’m Dr. Wendy’s goat-bitch now.” And with that Turner excused herself to the whims of her colorist. 32. Suzy Sunrise was happy to be alive. So many men, women, and children had doubted the wisdom of her existence for so long, she just wasn’t having it anymore. A Neil Diamond song came on. Suzy got up and started dancing around the room like her tits were on fire. In a sense, they were. 33. Dr. Wendy felt she had no right to be herself anymore. And so she rightly became someone else. She didn’t change her name or her species or her sex, but she was no longer a doctor. No. She had re-invented herself as a form of medicine. This enabled her to wear sandals for much of the time. 34. All these years later, Meredith still has no idea where Turner has gone. She missed out on so much – so many hair colors, not to mention social movements. One thing she still has, though, is the little bell that Turner once wore around his neck. That as well as the bits of colored ribbon she used to wrap around his horns on holidays and other special occasions. 35. Suzy was sick of getting her hair done at Satan’s Hair Salon. So she decided to go elsewhere from now on. After the last incident, she didn’t want to risk another chance meeting with Turner. That goat had fucked up so much for so many different people, it was time to let her sideburns grow out. And so that was the day she changed her name to Suzy Sideburns. 36. Coat snuff. Groat tuff. Note nuff. Vote buff. 37. Suzy Sunrise was a former Hungarian citizen who hated Hungary, a lesbian who hated women, and a child psychiatrist who hated children. One thing she really loved, however, was life. 38. Meredith’s stuck to the armchair. She has no place to go. Too much freedom does that to people. She is now ready to celebrate Jesus’s birthday. 39. Wendy asked Turner to stop believing in God. They got into a fight and Wendy wound up throwing Turner out of her house. Turner wandered the streets all alone. She is glad to finally not have a place to call home. 40. One day Meredith went to visit the grave of Turner’s mother. It just so happened that Turner decided to visit on the exact same day. “Turner,” exclaimed Meredith, “OMG.” “That’s right,” said Turner. “It’s me. Though I’m no longer me. I’ve become something else entirely.” “We all have,” Meredith replied. “But I still recognize you for what you never were.” “I appreciate that,” admitted Turner cautiously. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some communing to do.” Meredith watched as her former goat bent down to pray. Having finally fathomed a new form of freedom, Meredith had no choice but to start doing jumping jacks right there in the graveyard. Just then, Suzy came up from behind with a knife and stabbed her. It was a day they all found something.
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